Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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