You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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