I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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