Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
