Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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