..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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