Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
