Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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