I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize