I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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