I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
