alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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