i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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