dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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