She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
