hotel room ftw
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
