peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
