just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
