I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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