dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
