I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
