she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
