I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
