my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you would pick up someone in the library
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
