The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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