I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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