Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
