I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
