If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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