my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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