Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
