people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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