i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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