Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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