Small penises have feelings too.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
