so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
