I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
