Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
