I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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