Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
