She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize