If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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