Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
