I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
