i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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