and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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