his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
