I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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