I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I had to cum in my sink.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
