We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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