I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
