After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can you repeat that, but with context?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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