Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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