I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
