Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
