If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
