the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
