There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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