I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
