The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
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