I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
