i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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