This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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