i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
